My approach to dating throughout the bulk of my twenties (read: 9.5 years into the decade) was V. V. VVVVVV. wrong. I dated entertained, ahem, *quite* a lot of fuckboys and otherwise emotionally unavailable ‘men.’ I had my heartbroken more often than not, mostly due …
“It’ll happen when you least expect it…”
“When you know, you *know*…”
If I had a dollar for every time someone (who, coincidentally, was in a relationship and knew nothing about the modern dating scene) said this to me, I’d be on a Yacht in the Caribbean sipping on V. expensive champagne only because I couldn’t afford not to. Basically, I heard these sayings *all* the time. Every single time I heard some iteration of this I wanted to bang my head against the wall or throw my cell phone out of the window.
“You just *don’t* understand what it’s like these days!”
“Good men are soooo hard to find!”
While I desperately wanted to find love, my love life was drier than the Sahara desert.
As a hopeless romantic who read every Nicholas Sparks book out there, the idea of a soulmate was always something I believed in. That said, there did become a time when I became VVVVV. skeptical of the notion. Ultimately, I got to a point where I fully believed that it just didn’t happen for some people and I was (unfortunately for me) one of those people.
It’s not that I gave up on the idea of soulmates altogether. It was more like I resigned to the belief that I wasn’t meant to have that sort of love. Maybe, you know, there were other plans for me. Or, maybe I was too complicated and too much for anyone to possibly “handle.” PSA: you’re NEVER too much for the *right* person. Take it from the person who is often called “complicated,” BUT married to someone who thinks I’m the bees knees. While I often question his judgement, it’s really worked in my favor.
Here I am, many years after the days where I resigned to the belief I was soulmate-less for good, a mere seven days away from celebrating one whole year of marriage to, you guessed it, my soulmate.
I know. Single me would have rolled my eyes, scoffed, and made some sort of dry, sarcastic remark that was really my defense mechanism for being upset that *yet another* person found her soulmate when I was slumming it with a whole lot of fuckboys.
What I now know (and understand) is that all those people who told me “when you know, you know” and “it will happen when you least expect it” were probably gently trying to let me know I was trying WAY too hard, focusing on *finding the one* waayyyy too much, and basically, I needed to chill the f*ck out and focus on something else. ANYTHING ELSE.
Wouldn’t you know it: when I met my (now) husband, I totally *knew.* I mean a FULL BODY CHILLS kind of intuition. It also happened when I least expected it: to the point that I wore basically no makeup and leggings on our first date.
Maybe these people knew what they were talking about after all. Or, maybe, the Universe is *always* conspiring in your favor. Things happen WHEN they are supposed to happen. True love is something that can’t be forced. It’s something that is allowed. So, if you’re trying to force the where and the when of finding someone, chances are your forever person isn’t going to waltz in line in front of you at Starbucks like a movie on Lifetime TV. While romantic encounters are prevalent in movies and television shows, real life often looks a bit different.
Being a hopeless romantic is pretty hopeless when there’s no evidence of romance in your life. It’s worse when someone gives you an *ounce* of romance, and you’re like, “omg omg omg this is totally ittttt!” when in reality said thing is below the bare minimum of trying to impress someone on a first date.
Standards. They’re a thing. High standards are also a thing. You know who really hates women with high standards? Fuckboys.
Being a hopeless romantic in today’s world is a challenge, especially when you are not in a relationship. Dating today is V. different from how it was fifty years ago, ten years ago, or even one year ago. Dating is constantly changing and evolving and, unfortunately, requires its “players” to follow along with the times. For example, dating apps are something prevalent in today’s scene because we don’t meet people the same way we used to. Dating apps are hard because they’re saturated with choices. Dating is a saturated market.
The notion that you can’t be successful in a saturated market is old news. Why? You are the *only* you – there’s a person out there who is looking for just that. If you believe that wholly despite any evidence suggesting otherwise, it’s going to feel good. You’re going to vibrate higher.
Don’t you want to meet someone who’s also vibrating on a higher level (i.e. not being sad/mad/upset/negative all the time)?
IDK about you, but I sure did.
As someone who battled the same tide of fuckboys we’re all too familiar with in the current dating scence: it WILL happen when you least expect it (aka when you’re not hellbent on finding it).
My advice? Focus on something that lights you up so bright that your soulmate is almost blinded. He won’t be able to look away.
In the words of our queen Ri Ri, “Shine bright like a diamond.” (Five carats, obviously).
As we’ve come to realize, I dated, ahem, *quite* a lot of fuckboys throughout my twenties. Something a fuckboy does V. well is make you feel CA-RAZY for being jealous, especially while entertaining a faux-lationship. It’s YOUR fault that you’re jealous because he’s not doing …
You know how much I love preaching about positivity this and mindset that. Do I want to be happy all of the time? Of course I do! No one *wants* to be sad.
The reality is that we’re all going to be sad at times. Or mad. Or angry. Or frustrated. Or, you get the picture. Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies and no matter how much “work” you’ve done on changing your mindset, you are going to have days where it just isn’t working.
Earlier this week, I had one of *those* days. I woke up in a funk and went through my usual morning ritual of a walk, meditation, and journaling. It didn’t help. I was still feeling down in the dumps. I exercised which normally always helps me to VIBE UP. My vibe, however, was V. much lower than usual. I just *couldn’t* shake it.
I knew writing a book would be a, you know, BIG challenge. I just didn’t expect the emotional turmoil I’ve faced since day one or the lack of support from people who I totally expected to be there along the way. I looked at my husband, tears streaming down my face, and asked him, “Do you think I should stop? Do you think this is a sign that I’m not on the right path?”
While there’s a lot of evidence suggesting otherwise, he looked at me and demanded “Absolutely NOT! You *are* on the right path.” He said that I needed to get some rest and advised that I take a nap, so I obliged. One hour later, I got up, walked over to the computer, and began to type. He came over to me, gave me a hug and a kiss, and told me how proud he was of me and that he *knew* I could do this.
Such a seemingly small act got me through that day. I woke up the next day out of my funk and excited to write despite the underwhelming lack of enthusiasm from some people who I most expected it.
My husband BELIEVES in me when I have moments of not believing in myself. I can’t fathom going through life with someone who wasn’t my biggest cheerleader.
If you find yourself dating and looking for a potential partner, this is one of the most important qualities to look for: someone who supports the f*ck out of you and your wildest dreams. Someone who believes that you are the most incredible human being who can do AN-Y-THING because you’re you and you can do anything you want. Someone who doesn’t poo-poo your crazy ideas but who is like, “HOLY SHIT, GO FOR IT BABE!”
Basically, you need your own personal Jerry Lewis from Cheer.
You see, no matter how much of a happy go-lucky, motivated AF, and badass babe you are, there’s going to be days or moments when you can’t find the motivation or lose belief in whatever it is that you’re doing. Hard days happen. When your person is there to lift you back up off your knees and whisper, “YOU GOT THIS!” knowing and BELIEVING that your success is inevitable, it gives you the support you need when you couldn’t do it on your own.
Of course, everyone has different needs and wants in their forever person, but bear in mind that someone’s deep belief in your success and unwavering support will help you get through the rockier times in your life. Storms are inevitable: find someone who will help you navigate through them who knows there’s a rainbow on the other side.
A smooth sea never made for a skilled sailor, you know. Time to find a V. supportive first mate.
It’s just one of those days… When you don’t wanna wake up… Just kidding. This isn’t an ode to Limp Bizkit, okay? It is, however, an ode to feeling exhausted. We’ve all been there: snoozing your alarm eighteen times, feeling sluggish, unmotivated, and…exhausted. While it’s …
Throughout most of my dating life, I constantly found myself in real-lationships and faux-lationships that didn’t fully make me happy, but *juuuuuusssttt* happy enough to keep entertaining the idea that if I waited a little longer or if they did _______, things would finally feel “right.”
Newsflash: if something doesn’t feel fully right in the beginning, it’s not going to miraculously change one day.
If you’re anything like me, there was usually an exception to every standard I had – especially if said guy had a million great qualities and treated me well, but had a few things that were totally worthy of being donned in red flags. I always made an excuse that I was totally overthinking said thing, or I was being “crazy,” borderline pessimistic, and trying to find a problem to fix. Wouldn’t you know it, I was always – in one way or another – trying to fix the person on the other side.
The bitter truth: the only person capable of “fixing” someone (and by fixing, I mean healing whatever it is that’s holding he or she back) is THAT PERSON. It is the person’s own responsibility to do this – not yours.
For me, finding someone to “fix” was the way I continued to settle in my relationships.
Settling in your love life is one of the biggest ways we poo poo on what the Universe has in store for us. We’re basically saying, “Oh no, I’ll totally take this kinda bruised apple that has fallen on the floor of Sprouts” when the Universe has a perfectly crisp, unsoiled apple in her hands, ready to throw it your way. So, the Universe is like, “Okay, if you say so…” and said untarnished apple is put back into the bin of life ready to be picked up by someone who has better standards for her fruit.
I know, I know. It’s 2020 and you can’t possibly have high standards these days. I remember thinking all the “good men” were either already married or not into girls. While there’s a ton of good men that *are* married and are not interested in any form of taquerias (tacos, get it?), there’s also a ton of good men that are not married and tacos happen to be their favorite food group. If you don’t believe something (or someone) exists for you, it’ll never exist for you.
SO START BELIEVING IT DOES.
How do you know if you’re settling or just “trying” to find something wrong with someone as an act of self sabotage (if you’re curious on all things self-sabotage and how it can be VVVVV subtle, more on that here), there’s a couple of key things to consider:
- If someone doesn’t *fully* fill you up and meet all of your non-negotiable / standards, you’ll have a dull feeling of anxiety, confusion, or some voice in your head saying, “mmmm… something’s not right here.” The voice? Probably your intuition slash your higher self sending a little message to you to stop settling for anything less than what you deserve.
- If you’re confused about someone – you already have your answer. Real, fulfilling love is NEVER CONFUSING. Sure, someone can totally piss you off or do something that drives you absolutely nuts (no one is *perfect*) but that won’t make you feel confused if he or she is the person for you. If you’re confused, you have your answer (I’m sorry, I know this one is a tough pill to swallow).
- In past relationships, have you tended to make exceptions to your standards? If you know that this is something you’re typically guilty of, I would make it a point to investigate your current situation and be V. honest with yourself if there is one (or a few things) that you might be settling for, even if 98% meets your needs. *Almost* fulfilling versus completely fulfilling are two V. different things. If you paid $8 for a cup of coffee and they didn’t fill up your cup all the way, would you speak up? Listen to your gut and acknowledge your cup deserves to be filled all the damn way.
Self sabotage is different. Self sabotage is trying to nit pick at every little thing because you ARE being fully fulfilled and it scares the living daylights out of you. This could look like:
- You’re letting your ego drive your emotions: your ego is trying to keep you where you’ve always been (in relationships that don’t fulfill you because you know how they will end and that’s oddly comfortable), so it’s trying to ruin a relationship that does because it has no idea what will happen. You’re out of your comfort zone – not because he’s making you uncomfortable, but because he’s treating you in a variety of ways you haven’t been treated. You don’t feel anxiety, you feel fear of the unknown.
- Instead of huge character flaws or emotional unavailability (because that’s not the case), your primary focus is on things you don’t like, but that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Ask yourself this: will this affect our relationship five, ten, fifteen years from now? If the answer is no, you’re probably just making a mountain out of a molehill.
- Deep down, you don’t feel completely and wholly worthy of this relationship. Because you feel inadequate, you’re trying to find a way to escape. PSA: YOU ARE WORTHY OF A FULLY FULFILLING, PASSIONATE, AND AMAZING RELATIONSHIP. You’ve gotta believe that and you’ve got to get crystal f*cking clear what that kinda relationship looks like. You must be committed to not wasting your time if it doesn’t meet that criteria.
When you’re with the *right* person, it can feel overwhelming because there’s limitless options available at our fingertips. The grass can seem greener on the other side and there can be times where it seems easier to look into said options versus working on what’s right in front of you. Relationships are not easy, even if you’re with the person of your dreams. They’re not easy because you have two people who might be speaking different languages (you can read more about that here) and are going through the roller coaster that is life together. There’s inevitable ups and downs, okay? Just because it’s difficult at times doesn’t mean that it’s the Universe’s way of saying “honey, this ain’t it!” – it just means she’s sending some well-needed lessons your way.
Do you want to keep settling for less than anything COMPLETELY FULFILLING? Standards are your way of showing the Universe what it is you want. Trust your *higher* self (not your ego) to lead you in the right direction. When it comes into your life, I promise there won’t be any confusion – it’s gonna be crystal clear.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever gone through a devastating breakup. Let’s be real: I realize no one reading this is *actually* raising their hand, but I’m pretty damn sure you silently agreed “IT ME” when reading that sentence (and probably thought of your most …